Funny Cop Stories
The Violin Is A Dead Giveaway
Story by Retired NYPD officer Scott Baker
One day, my partner Nicky and I responded to a call on Church Street in New York City. When we arrived, a woman was leaning out of a fifth-story window yelling “Up here! Up here!” We ran up the stairs of the old five-story walk-up and saw that the old wooden door had been knocked in and was hanging by a single hinge. We went inside and met with a heavy-set, 30ish Latin lady who had been yelling from the window. She was clearly upset and sporting a fresh shiner. The following is a breakdown of our conversation, which in and of itself tells the story.
NYPD What happened?
Lady My boyfriend beat me up and then ran up the fire escape.
We radioed in to “central command” to confirm that we were at the correct location, explained that a woman had been assaulted and they should stand by for a description of the suspect.
NYPD What did your boyfriend look like?
Lady He’s short, very short.
NYPD How short approximately?
Lady Well, he’s less than 4 feet – 3 feet, 10 inches.
I looked at my partner and could tell he was asking himself the same question. How could someone that small kick in such a heavy door?
NYPD How was he able to kick in the door?
Lady He’s a karate expert.
Somehow Nicky was able to speak into his microphone and said: “Central, be advised that the suspect is 3 feet, 10 inches tall and was last seen fleeing up the fire escape of this building.”
At this point, other officers started making inquiries on the radio. One officer asked, “Well, is he a midget or a dwarf?” “What’s the difference?” I asked. “Why does it matter?” Nicky added.
Another officer chimed in: “A midget has a head proportionate to his body, while a dwarf has a small body and a large head.”
NYPD Is he a midget or a dwarf?
Lady He’s a midget
We informed central command that the suspect was a midget and they should stand by for further information.
NYPD Ma’am, what was he wearing?”
Lady Well, he was wearing a tuxedo and carrying a violin case. He was going to propose to me.
We advised command that the suspect was 3 feet, 10 inches tall, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a violin case. At this point, we left the apartment and proceeded up the fire-escape towards the roof to search for the suspect. When we arrived and started looking around, we heard a rookie officer ask over the radio, “Central, what does the suspect actually look like – what color hair does he have?” Nicky had a strange look in his eyes. He grabbed the radio and said, “Stop anyone carrying a violin case!” ASJ
Editor’s note: Scott Baker is a former police officer for the NYPD and the author of A Warmer Shade of Blue – Stories about good things cops do. Visit his webiste at awarmershadeofblue.com
. or somecomedy.com
Posted in Law Enforcement Tagged with: Boys in blue, Comedy, Cops, Funny, laugh, Law Enforcement, stories, The Beat
FUNNY COP STORIES
Stop Sticks Gone Wrong
Story by retired St. Lucie County Detective Scott Young
orking as a deputy sheriff in south Florida during the late 1990s, my agency had just been issued stop-sticks. These sticks were about 3 feet long and had large spikes protruding all the way around. They were meant to be used as a stop-gap measure when a suspect was fleeing in a vehicle.
If an officer could get into position, the sticks were to be thrown in front of the tires as the car passed by. The weight of the car would bear down on the spikes, deflating the tires and ideally ending the chase safely. If I said everyone was eager to deploy them, that would be an understatement.
Stinger stop sticks are similar to large hypodermic needles (hollow on the inside) which allows the tire to quickly deflate.
While working a series of burglaries in the most southern portion of our county, I heard dispatch state over the radio that the special investigations unit (SIU) was in pursuit of suspects who had fled during a drug raid. Although I was some distance away, there was a possibility the suspects would flee in my direction, so I kept my ears open. A short time later, dispatch advised that SIU was still in pursuit and heading my way. I responded to let them know my location and that I had stop-sticks. As the information unfolded over the radio and I listened intently, my excitement increased when the suspects chose an escape route with only one possible avenue: right past my location. I repositioned my marked patrol car to a more hidden location and stood near the roadside and waited.
I watched other traffic pass my location and soon heard the loud siren of the pursuing patrol car and the roar of the suspect’s engine as they neared. I saw a dark van careening around the corner with the marked patrol car right on its tail. I waited for the vehicle to get close, then threw the stop-sticks just before they passed. The sticks hit their mark, and not only the front tires, but the back as well. Excited, I ran to my patrol car, got in and advised dispatch that I hit the suspect’s vehicle. I activated my lights and siren and headed south. As the road wound to the right I saw the pursuing patrol car parked behind the suspect’s van, which was tilted rigidly to the right and on the side of the road. That is when I observed several individuals dressed in black with the letters DEA on their backs. “OMG!!” I had stop-sticked the DEA van.
Dispatch had communicated the description of the suspect’s vehicle on the SIU channel, but not my main channel. I stopped my patrol car about 100 feet way and turned off my lights and siren. To say they were upset would, again, be an understatement. They all were yelling something and with arms flailing wildly while motioning for me to come closer. I shook my head left and right to say no way! At that moment my sergeant’s voice came through over the radio and asked, “Well, did you get ’em?” Oh, I got them. My only reply was, “Sarge, I think you need to get down here right away.”
Several years later, as a task force officer assigned to the DEA, the driver of the van that day was assigned as my training officer. He trusted me with his life, but not the stop-sticks. ASJ
Posted in Law Enforcement Tagged with: Beat story, Comedy, Cops, Funny, Funny Cop Stories, Hilarious, humor, Police