4 Dumbest Self-Defense Gadgets that will have Muggers Die from Laughter

In this violent world where most of us aren’t badasses, there is a need for an equalizer. Yes, I definetly would carry my Glock. But for the folks that are into self-defense gadgets there are tons. For this piece we look at the inventions of idiots during peacetime, the obvious results are entertaining to would be robbers.

Here are the 4 dumbest self-defense gadgets patents that never made the “A” team:

  • The Self-Defense Memo Pad– Patent #5,823,572
    This may be the Kubotan on the cheap, used as an impact weapon to thwart off the bad guy. One look at this and even the disembodied mugger’s head seems confused by this invention.
    The inventor appears to believe that the only problem with using a notepad as a weapon is that it’s too hard to hold, which should give us some idea of his motor skills.

    While the confusing series of numbered features wants us to believe that the mugger’s eye is somehow part of the invention (vital target), the only difference between this and a handful of Post-Its is the carved handholds in the side of the pages.
    Meaning it’s not only useless as a weapon, it’s actually counter productive as a notepad, assuming you don’t want everyone you leave a note for to know they can just beat you up. The patent also suggests that the memos are useful for jotting down a description of your attacker, which is so likely, we’re surprised they don’t suggest that you also sketch the criminal’s getaway unicorn.
  • Revolver Flick-Bayonet– Patent #946,132
    The inventor of this may be thinking of the swiss army knife concept with a blend of psychologically deterring the bad guy.
    Enter Henry H. Hull of Ohio designer of this revolver with a switchblade contraption.
    He probably never fired a gun before. Because attaching extra weight to the end of the barrel is worse for your aim than drinking a bottle of tequila.
    Worse, it’s not an attachment for existing revolvers. The switchblade is built into a protrusion from the barrel so you have to buy an entire new gun just for this idiotic addition.
    A gun’s entire deal is propelling extremely friendly (Mr. .38, .357, etc..) things at your enemies, but it’s meant to be bullets by explosions, not a knife by a little spring. It’s a worse weapon upgrade than sprinkling sneezing powder on a landmine – there’s no conceivable enemy it will be effective against, and there’s better than good chance it’ll get you killed.
  • The Key Whip – Patent #4,460,170
    We believe this sketch qualifies as astonishingly realistic inside the ad section of a comic book. It’s amazing that anyone would think this would work in reality, unless they are trained in Wushu.
    Also, the knife-wielding assailant moves exactly as much as he would if you really patted his chest with a bunch of keys. The female Tomb Raider whipper is visibly bored with this low life, a necessary condition justifying the use of this weapon within their continuum of force.
    The “Self Defense Weapon” is essentially the most efficient way to give a mugger access to your house, car and workplace.
  • Log Purse – Patent #1/200,493
    The idea is as old as putting soup cans inside your socks and swing for the fences when the bad guy comes near you.

    The patent text is missing words, commas, and entire subclauses, but since the inventor is clearly missing entire chromosomes we won’t mock that too hard.
    She desperately wants her idea to look clever; a task neither her nor her idea is equal to. She describes a log as a “natural cylindrical elongated section of a natural growing tree,” and uses more words to describe hollowing it than most scientists use to describe quantum theory.
    She doesn’t really understand the patent process, but fifteen pages into a patent for wood that shouldn’t surprise anyone.
    Don’t know maybe you should just carry a mini Louisville bat. Ok, that might look too aggressive for a female to carry around.




sources: US Patent, Cracked, Luke McKinney