[su_heading]Story by Retired NYPD officer Scott Baker[/su_heading]

[su_dropcap style=”light” size=”5″]O[/su_dropcap]ne day, my partner Nicky and I responded to a call on Church Street in New York City. When we arrived, a woman was leaning out of a fifth-story window yelling “Up here! Up here!” We ran up the stairs of the old five-story walk-up and saw that the old wooden door had been knocked in and was hanging by a single hinge. We went inside and met with a heavy-set, 30ish Latin lady who had been yelling from the window. She was clearly upset and sporting a fresh shiner. The following is a breakdown of our conversation, which in and of itself tells the story.

NYPD What happened?

Lady My boyfriend beat me up and then ran up the fire escape.

We radioed in to “central command” to confirm that we were at the correct location, explained that a woman had been assaulted and they should stand by for a description of the suspect.

NYPD What did your boyfriend look like?

Lady He’s short, very short.

NYPD  How short approximately?

Lady Well, he’s less than 4 feet – 3 feet, 10 inches.

I looked at my partner and could tell he was asking himself the same question. How could someone that small kick in such a heavy door?

NYPD How was he able to kick in the door?

Lady He’s a karate expert.

Somehow Nicky was able to speak into his microphone and said: “Central, be advised that the suspect is 3 feet, 10 inches tall and was last seen fleeing up the fire escape of this building.”

At this point, other officers started making inquiries on the radio. One officer asked, “Well, is he a midget or a dwarf?” “What’s the difference?” I asked. “Why does it matter?” Nicky added.

Another officer chimed in: “A midget has a head proportionate to his body, while a dwarf has a small body and a large head.”

NYPD Is he a midget or a dwarf?

Lady He’s a midget

We informed central command that the suspect was a midget and they should stand by for further information.

NYPD Ma’am, what was he wearing?”

Lady Well, he was wearing a tuxedo and carrying a violin case. He was going to propose to me.

We advised command that the suspect was 3 feet, 10 inches tall, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a violin case. At this point, we left the apartment and proceeded up the fire-escape towards the roof to search for the suspect. When we arrived and started looking around, we heard a rookie officer ask over the radio, “Central, what does the suspect actually look like – what color hair does he have?” Nicky had a strange look in his eyes. He grabbed the radio and said, “Stop anyone carrying a violin case!” ASJ

Editor’s note: Scott Baker is a former police officer for the NYPD and the author of  A Warmer Shade of Blue – Stories about good things cops do. Visit his webiste at awarmershadeofblue.com. or somecomedy.com.